It should come as no surprise that Nicholas Webster–the man responsible for a handful of episodes of “The Waltons”–created one of the worst films in history, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Though a highly creative premise begging for a satirical execution, Webster’s picture suffers exponentially from most every direction including–but not limited to (by even the furthest stretch of the imagination)–stagnant direction, innate writing, poor acting, flaccid dialogue, and amateur cinematography.
Planet Mars: After Kimar (Leonard Hicks) and his wife, Momar (Leila Martin), become concerned that their children–Bomor (Chris Month) and Girmar (Pia Zadora)–are watching too much television, the former consults the planet’s sage, Chochem (Carl Don), who divulges that since the children are never permitted to have fun, they are having to vicariously experience it through American television. Ergo, Kimar takes a space fleet to Earth to kidnap the figurehead of fun, Santa (John Call). However, two Earth children–Billy (Victor Stiles) and Betty (Donna Conforti)–become innocent bystanders and are likewise kidnapped. Will Santa and the two children get home in time for Christmas?
Granted, we do begin with a rather creative, albeit a bit hyperactive, Pychon-esque premise in which Santa Claus is kidnapped by Martians. Now, before we get too far along into the proceedings, permit me to pause to rectify that this is the more fitting title for the film in that there is no “conquering” per se. But, of course, if Webster would have went with the more succinct “Santa Claus is Kidnapped by Martians,” the title wouldn’t inspire visions of the big red guy making the inverted pear-shaped heads of green beings a bit more on the concave side via his overstuffed bag of toys. However, we are dealing with the LBJ Era, thus if you were expecting to get what you were billed perhaps you have it coming to you . . .
As a handful of very generous critics have outlined, the film does offer a cultural reading of sorts in which one race becomes jealous of another’s successes before the metaphorically “counter Americans” toss their lifestyles by the wayside to adopt the more satisfactory, a.k.a. “correct,” American perspective. Now, this all seems part and parcel for a film living off the fumes of the “Us vs. Them” film era amid the Red Scare (stock footage of Stanley Kubrick’s Dr. Strangelove included) yet the sin lies in that the “inferior race” of Martians is presented almost in blackface before the make-up crew and non-existent continuity supervisor go on break while our planetary neighbors appear as greasy mechanics clocking out for the day in the following scene.
Nationalism and race aside, we can also look at the film under the light of class struggle in that the Martian children (apparently sired in accordance with the Victorian Handbook of Child Rearing) are befuddled over the phrase “tender loving care,” amid a character dressed in red brandishing a big white beard, as an entire race’s members are designated by their social roles, i.e. “Girmar” (“girl Martian”), “Bomar” (“boy Martian”), “Momar” (“Mother Martian”), and–hold it–no, not “Famar” but rather . . . “Kimar” (yes, “King Martian”). Now, Marxist interpretation withstanding, the problem now lies in the fact that Santa represents America in Webster’s film thus . . . uh . . . there seems to be a bit of ideological inconsistency in regard. We’ll just overlook the implication made when an elf named Winky (Ivor Bodin, nonetheless playing an Earthling mind you) readily identifies a Martian at first glance whereas when one Martian, Dropo (Bill McCutcheon), impersonates Santa, the entire race is perplexed and is unable to see past the overgrown facial hair (though Dropo’s antennae and green skin remain in ready view).
Poignantly satirical, though mostly inadvertent, we do learn that television not only makes zombie drones out of American children but that the brainwashing effects of the boob tube not only extend beyond our American borders: It is a universal plight for we see that all of the inner planetary conflict witnessed within Webster’s film could have been avoided if similar affects weren’t occurring in steadfast Martian viewers as well. The capstone to this scenario takes place when Billy and Betty, upon first encountering Martians, believe that the alien race’s cranial appendages are rabbit ears implemented for the sole purpose of better reception. Of course, regardless of your color, class, creed, or species, when you attempt to hold your life up to those of Hollywood characters, you can’t plausibly anticipate a positive outcome.
All philosophical quibbling aside, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is a filmmaking fiasco from most every conceivable angle. To say that Webster’s characters are stock is a gross exaggeration. Santa is a very naïve optimist at every single end-of-world turn as his wife (Doris Rich) is cast as an egotistical blather mouth. However, if placed in his position, you’d have to keep a smile on your face amid the less-than-sympathetic understanding of those around you regarding your obesity just to keep from crying. Roy Alfred and Milton Delugg’s opening song, sung by a child chorus, includes a line where the Jolly One is explicitly referred to as “fat” before, Voldar (Vincent Beck) sighs “All this trouble over a fat little man in a red suit!” But, how lenient should we really be considering the idol for millions of children is seen lighting up throughout the duration of the feature?
Which brings us to what exactly Santa might be putting in his pipe in that, once on Mars, when his toy factory begins to produce faulty products, he ho-hummily continues down his wish list (keep in mind that Santa is the symbol for America . . . ). Yet, upon closer examination, perhaps Webster is subtly suggesting a manner in which to legitimize what takes place onscreen for only a viewer who has consumed gross amounts of a controlled substance could buy into the idea that a joke whose punch line is “Martian-mellows” is remotely funny (trust me, you’d rather not know the lead-in), a man (Gene Lindsey) donning a polar bear outfit before appearing as a robot is a feasible threat, and head bunting is a reasonable greeting for any species. Considering that a majority of the film is vastly under lit–only to be besieged by very sporadic solar flares of flood lighting–perhaps Webster was doing his sober viewers a favor.
Of course, amid all the chaos and Martian-on-Martian violence, it would be easy to overlook that, though there exists a pattern for the naming of the first Martian family we encounter, there is no readily justifiable linguistic motive for such characters as Dropo, Voldar, and Hargo (Charles Renn). Yet, the filmmaker’s difficulties with language are signaled early on, beginning with the opening credits, when Ramsey Mostoller is listed as the “Custume” designer before the KIDTV anchorman (Lin Thurmond) announces his on-site correspondent as “Andy Henderson” (Ned Wertimer), only to have Santa refer to the reporter as “Andy Anderson.”
Long story short, the only manner in which to find Nicolas Webester’s cinematic catastrophe, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, remotely enjoyable is if it were based on a true story. Of course, I doubt many of us would regret the fun to be had in a live news report declaring, “And Misses Claus has positively identified the kidnapers as Martians.”
-Egregious Gurnow
- Interview with J.R. Bookwalter - January 22, 2015
- Interview with Andrew J. Rausch - January 22, 2015
- Interview with Rick Popko and Dan West - January 22, 2015
- Interview with Director Stevan Mena (Malevolence) - January 22, 2015
- Interview with Screenwriter Jeffery Reddick (Day of the Dead 2007) - January 22, 2015
- Teleconference interview with Mick Garris (Masters of Horror) - January 22, 2015
- A Day at the Morgue with Corri English (Unrest) - January 22, 2015
- Interview with Writer/Director Nacho Cerda (The Abandoned, Aftermath) - January 22, 2015
- Interview with Actress Thora Birch (Dark Corners, The Hole, American Beauty) - January 22, 2015
- Interview with Actor Jason Behr, Plus Skinwalkers Press Coverage - January 22, 2015
