The Landlord

The only thing the advance screener package for The Landlord told me about the project was that this is a blend of genres: “Horror/Comedy/Drama.” But seeing as how most of us can relate to a landlord in one way or another, the subject matter is certainly ripe for exploitation.

A youngish couple moves into a nicely renovated two-bedroom apartment level home. The woman is a little surprised that one of the first things her boyfriend picks up for the new place is a used hacksaw, but that’s okay. The guy has other things on his mind, namely drawing neon sigils on the bathroom mirror and freaking out at the Alien Sex Fiend-looking entity that shows up as a result. Shortly thereafter the man takes to smacking himself with a bat, and when the woman tells him to put it down he of course goes after her.

When the landlord, Tyler Zarnicki (Derek Dziak), drops by the next day with a new toilet seat, he finds the woman’s battered body hacked to pieces on the hardwood living room floor. The man has also cut through most of one of his own forearms, and is found bled out in a corner.

Enter the sickly green-faced demon, Rabisu (Ron Barkhordar), wearing a Hawaiian shirt and accompanied by a cat-faced deity, Lamashtu (Lori Myers), dressed up in fetish gear. Each nibbles on one of the woman’s body parts as Tyler rails against the immortal beings’ lack of discretion and timing, i.e. killing off tenants before the rent clears.

Tyler leaves the demons to their feast and drowns his sorrows at the local bar, Renty’s. The next day as Tyler repaints the bloodstained walls, Rabisu appears with the good news that, “The dread goddess, Lamashtu, Queen of Demons, Scourge of Babylon, demands another sacrifice!” But, as Tyler says, she’s just going to have to wait. As the landlord continues to clean up, Rabisu examines the pile of bones in the kitchen sink and opines that yuppies don’t have very good meat – they exercise too much. Tyler has his own concerns however, not wanting to be locked up again chief among them.

The next day when Tyler pays a visit to his police officer sister Amy (Michelle Courvais), it becomes clear that she knows all about the demons. The owner of the apartment building, Amy even pays Tyler extra for cleaning up the mess and keeping quiet about the disappearances. Not quiet enough however, as detectives Lopez and Rosen come calling on Tyler shortly thereafter. 16 missing persons, all who happen to have lived in that “same lousy three-flat building,” is quite a coincidence indeed, and Lopez, convinced that Tyler is some sort of serial killer/cannibal, is dead set on nailing the landlord’s balls to the seat of the electric chair.

Tyler tries to commiserate with Amy and her partner Warren the next day, but their unsympathetic lunchtime meeting is disturbed by some weirdo who the cops quickly drag out of sight into a nearby alleyway. This cat is a demon as well, and he’s paying off the police officers with a large bag of cash, drugs and jewelry in exchange for their allowing him and his kind to devour “shitheads” that the cops can’t touch.

With the yuppies out of the way the top floor is once again vacant, and Southern girl Donna (Erin Myers) shows up to take a look. Right away Lamashtu starts sniffing around, and despite Tyler’s qualms about handing the young lady over to the demons Donna is paying cash, so he even helps her move in.

Amy and Warren, meanwhile, have sold another gang of degenerates out to the demons. The undead ghouls break in on the junkies and start wreaking hell, even as the two cops go down on each other in their patrol car.

Back at the apartment building, Lopez and Rosen watch as Tyler and Donna leave for the bar. It’s karaoke night at Renty’s, and as Donna’s just had an argument with her mother over her ex-husband she needs to get out and unwind. As karaoke embarrassment proceeds, the detectives let themselves into Tyler’s basement. While they poke around looking for evidence that will allow them to lock that sick weirdo away for good, Rabisu is upstairs at Tyler’s drinking beer and ordering a “Jerky Juicer” from a television show. But as the dicks uncover the demonic symbol, this time painted on the cellar floor, Rabisu is summoned down to their level. Where he immediately uses his influence to make Lopez gun down Rosen before putting the gun to his own head.

Tyler and Donna come home, each to their respective problems; Donna has over 20 messages from her angry ex-, while Tyler finds the demon eating Lopez’ brains (“Bring me a spoon!”). This is bad, but thinking quickly Tyler decides to use the sigil and its power as a portal to Hell as a sort of cosmic In-Sink-Erator to dispose of the bodies and all trace DNA.

On another day Amy and Warren’s Mexican lunch is again disrupted by a sloppy demon. Chasing him into the alley and saying something about a broken deal, Amy loses her shit. Already pissed about the fact that Warren may be changing shifts on her, Amy beats hell out of the demon, eventually stabbing the creature to death with a broken beer bottle and leaving herself and Warren drenched in its blood.

Donna meanwhile still has some issues to address regarding her ex-husband. Namely the fact that she doesn’t want that bastard’s bastard inside of her any longer. Visiting a Pregnancy Center in order to take care of her situation, Donna is shown a pro-life video, A Life in Your Hands. But Donna’s come a long way for a clean break, and she resents the Christian propaganda. Storming the front desk she tells the muppet up front, “Either you tell me where I can find a real clinic, or I take your sick, baby-killin’ Jesus freak videotape and shove it down your fuckin’ esophagus!” And with a hurt look, the lady actually provides her with a helpful answer.

When Donna arrives back at the apartment however, appointment in-hand, she finds her white trash hubby waiting for her out front. He found the address on the divorce papers she sent him, and now he wants a word or two with her. An awkward and ugly domestic scene ensues, which Rabisu witnesses with relish. As soon as Donna is out of sight the demon manipulates the man to make him say that he’ll never trouble her again, then promptly dismembers him and prepares for some Jerky Juicing. Which of course provides yet another problem for Tyler, especially as the demon used his credit card number to order the machine.

Utilizing the portal to Hell once again Tyler gets rid of everything and announces his intentions of hitting the bar. “Tyler, I think you may have a drinking problem,” Rabisu tells him. “You think I might?” Tyler giggles before exploding. “Well no fuckin’ shit I have a drinking problem, I live with two demons that eat people!”

Donna meanwhile is preparing to skip out, still thinking that hubby might come calling at any time, but a demonic force barrier prevents her from leaving the apartment. When Lamashtu materializes Donna’s screams bring Tyler running, but the magical $5.00 god’s eye he bought from a psychic earlier doesn’t do a damn thing. Beating it back downstairs, Tyler asks if Rabisu can shed any light on the situation; according to the demon, Lamashtu is waiting for the baby to ripen, and Donna will be held prisoner until the bun in her oven is done.

Not knowing what else to do, Tyler visits his sister. Who doesn’t see any problem with demons scarfing down a baby, and doesn’t see why Tyler would either, so long as the kid isn’t his. But Tyler’s getting desperate; this kind of thing has been going on for years now and it’s starting to wear on him. Exhausted, he crashes out on Amy’s couch.

That evening Warren has his home invaded by a pair of demons. The elder, Dimitri Gogonovich, explains that because Warren and Amy took one of his ‘friends’ away by killing that demon in the alley, Warren must replace that lost servant. With Amy. To seal the deal, Warren is bitten by the demonic henchman as Dimitri dines on a slice of cop’s wife.

Tyler is awakened by Warren calling out to Amy from the street. Through pointed teeth the ex-cop offers Amy a better life – forever. Recognizing that Warren is now one of the demonic undead, Amy urges her husband Gary to get the kids, even as Warren warns her that unless she joins Dimitri’s “crew” her family will be killed and eaten. Amy’s answer to that is a shot to his chest, at which point the Halloween ghoulies with him all begin streaming into the house.

More shots are fired, with little effect, until Amy is reduced to pointing the gun at her own head. Effectively holding herself hostage, Amy bargains with the demons until her family is allowed to escape. (Even in this tense situation there’s still room for some marital bickering, however.) Gary drives off with the kids, Tyler makes his escape, and Amy gives herself up to the dark side.

Tyler returns to the psychic, looking for some real magical protection this time. Upon hearing the name Lamashtu, in connection with Tyler’s devil-worshipping parents, the woman drops her hocus-pocus façade and prepares to get involved. Accompanying Tyler back to the building, with the help of a glow-in-the-dark new age Easter egg and a pile of shiny pebbles the witch makes a protective circle and attempts to remove Donna’s barrier. No luck; Lamashtu appears, and there’s a battle of magic between she and the witch. During which time Tyler and Donna argue constantly, as it seems she’s a bit put off by the fact that he’s been feeding the demons for years.

And it goes on from there, for another 15 minutes or so. One character seen only briefly earlier returns to play a much larger role, there’s a flashback to the origin of the Zarnicki family situation (which, I take it, is a follow-up to an earlier ‘flashback’ that really didn’t seem to make much sense at the time), some infighting among the demonic ranks, and an end scene that almost feels lifted from Wild Things. Does good triumph over evil? Who cares, it’s finally over.

The story of demon/human alliances and schisms is a lofty project indeed. Unfortunately the filmmakers weren’t quite up to the task in this case. Right away the film suffers from its cheap commercial video look; the coloration is murky and unbalanced, and the sound is muffled and uneven throughout.

Cheap FX don’t help the mix; with something like 20 different people handling the graphics, makeup and visual/special effects you’d generally hope for a more impressive display. And while a host of computer-generated effects are used, these are largely lava lamp-style colors and shapes with a few patterns thrown in that are supposed to constitute ‘demonic’ imagery. Lamashtu’s circus freak-style makeup isn’t all that fearsome, nor is Rabisu’s spoiled oatmeal complexion. Hell, even the outfits are tacky. But, with a total budget of $22K, that’s about what you get. (Using the same stunt leg in two separate scenes is a dead low-budget giveaway.)

Not a terrible film, or even a pretentious one, just a film that misses the mark. Meaning that it’s not very horrifying, not very dramatic, and not very funny. Particularly the latter; the film isn’t as amusing as it tries to be, evidenced by one extended scene at a dive motel Donna visits wherein she has an unfortunate exchange with a stereotypically angry foreigner. The cheese Danish nipples were amusing, sure, and there are a couple of chuckles to be found elsewhere, but not enough to call the thing a comedy.

– Tom Crites