Jesse James Meets Frankenstein Daughter.

William Beaudine’s Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter is the greatest Horror Western ever made in eight days for the sole reason that it is the only Horror Western made in eight days. Of course, its listing as one of the most atrocious stories ever set to celluloid might well have something to do with the shotgun speed at which it was made but this, of course, would subsequently issue benefit of the doubt to Beaudine, a director who had no background, any more than his screenwriter, Carl K. Hittleman, in horror. All that can be said is that the then-wacky joining of two diametrically-opposed genres appeared decades before the advent of Steampunk but, then again, this could unintentionally grant credit where happenstance and chance are the culpable parties.

Interestingly, the plot is such that a mere synopsis (with footnotes!) will thoroughly outline what is contained in Beaudine’s Z-movie gala, thus negating the need for any subsequent exposition.

News flash: Jesse James (John Lupton) isn’t dead, rather he went into hiding before joining the Wild Bunch for a bank heist after getting fed up with making ends meet by running a dog fighting racket, sans dog. Little does James know that one of the members of the gang, Lonny Curry (Rayford Barnes), jealous that he isn’t getting his “fair share,” commits outlaw treason by informing the Marshal, one MacPhee (Jim Davis[i]) what’s about to occur under the latter’s watchful eye[ii]. When the deep cover[iii] plot goes awry and the law only wounds[iv] James’s sidekick, Hank Tracy (Cal Bolder), the duo take shelter at the nearest doctor’s office, i.e. the granddaughter[v] of the famed Baron von Frankenstein[vi], Maria (Narda Onyx) and her Kevorkian-inclined brother[vii], Rudolph (Steven Geray[viii]), both of which were exiled from Europe[ix] due, apparently, for refusing to wear gloves during surgery[x]. Since insanity and megalomania are genetic, along with the apparent nutty desire to either enslave everyone within the Wild West’s property line or kill them trying[xi], Maria transforms Hank[xii] into . . . drum roll . . . Igor and the rest, thank God, is (very bad) history. Op, hold it. All this atop the added bonus of a love hexagon with Jesse taking a shine to Juanita[xiii] (Estelita Rodriguez), which Hank subsequently falls for as well, as Maria becomes infatuated with Jesse, thereby implying she is actually in love with Juanita even though the mad Doctoress insists in keeping Hank bare-chested[xiv] while demanding that they are “one”[xv] before Jesse leaves a moist Juanita[xvi] on the grounds that he “must go back to Hank.” The moral of the story? If you are an exiled mad scientist, don’t use outlaws as guinea pigs or, if you’re an outlaw, make damn sure the nearest doctor doesn’t carry the surname Frankenstein or always remember to attach the Duelthermicpulsater to the brain and the body, lest you find yourself in a deserted village due to the fact that you killed off all of its inhabitants.

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[i] Not the famous cartoonist responsible for Garfield

[ii] Which is wise in that, using Western logic, the backstabber will get a cool $10,000 reward for the head of James as opposed to his “unfair” portion of the stolen loot at $20,000

[iii] i.e. tumbleweed

[iv] i.e. Gunshot . . . wait . . . wait for it . . . now Hank gets hit, only to later be trumped by two gunshot wounds, sans wounds, all of which is ironic in that the actor is as big as a damn house

[v] Yes, granddaughter

[vi] Beaudine doesn’t bother disclosing which particular generational loins she had sprung given that there are three decades of mad scientists as writ in Universal lore

[vii] Apparently someone convinced Beaudine that “Jesse James and Hank Tracy Meet Frankenstein’s Granddaughter and Grandson” didn’t have as snappy of a ring to it as the abridged, however misleading, “Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter”

[viii] Considering Geray is thirty years senior to Onyx, the ever-so-subtle implication is also made that the Frankenstein males can keep going for a very long time

[ix] Their subsequent relocation to the Wild West is understandable once one takes into account the then-low price and availability of pharmaceuticals in the area

[x] In lieu of the fact that they made double-sure to clearly mark all toxic chemicals as “POISON” with, just in case an illiterate assistant were to be hired at the last minute, a big ol’ Jolly Roger added for good measure

[xi] Via an ex-army-issue helmet painted for the Rasta fan in you and a lot of neon lights

[xii] That is, only after a quick head-shaving

[xiii] Trust me, you’d rather not know, i.e. Mexican Juanita slips into a Brooklyn accent midway through the film, “I’ll get chu some wadda.”

[xiv] At least Colin Clive gave Karloff a shirt . . .

[xv] Can anyone say “sex slave”?

[xvi] And . . . gulp . . . her horse