Question: What do you get if you make a porno with an very thin, arbitrary horror plot and then remove the nudity? Answer: Instant B-movie goodness! So, without further ado, let’s try it. Our cinematic tripe today is the American version of Fritz Böttger’s Ein Toter hing im Netz, retitled The Horrors of Spider Island, as directed by–not the male name, “Jamie,” mind you–but rather the feminine “Jaime” Nolan (B-movie brownie points are freely granted here for best credit faux pas since Joseph Green forgot the title of his own film, The Brain that Wouldn’t Die, a year prior). Of course, could we expect anything less from a production company who goes by the name of “Pacemaker Pictures”?
Instead of outlining the film itself, I decided to transcribe some of “Jaime’s” more interesting directorial comments during the conceptual stages and the filming of his B-movie masterpiece, The Horrors of Spider Island:
Okay, so here’s the deal: Let’s get a dance troupe together and ship ’em off to Singapore but before they get there, get this, why not plummet ’em into the ocean by way of a flaming pile ’o plane? Sound good? Great. Now, insert strange spider-like thingy who bites the manager guy, making him man-spider thingy, okay? Then we’ll take a break for half-an-hour or so in order to let the girls dance around a bit, and then we’ll hurry up and come up with some way to close the picture. Sounds like we got ourselves a winner, doesn’t it? Alrighty then, let’s get to it!
First, let’s fuck with the lens–no, wait a minute. I got it. Better yet, let’s use a soft lens so the entire production is an eyesore to watch. Now–oh, oh, I have an idea–let’s overdub everything and offset the synchronicity by at least a second or so to where it resembles a bad Japanese film. Okay, good, now we’re cookin’. Now . . . where to go from here . . . oh, I know, let’s insert some stock footage–we can’t have a B-movie without it, now can we? Okay, yep, now we’re set. Let’s get to makin’ a movie. Whaddya say?
Alright, let’s start by havin’ the lecherous manager dude interview the girls one at a time in his office. Remember, we’re making a porno here so let’s have the girls show their legs during the auditions. No, I said legs, not snatch! Oh well, we’ve already printed.
Okay, now excitement outside of sex . . . um [long pause]. Right, like I said, let’s set the plane aflame and cast the girls headfirst into that one ocean, yeah the Pacific whatever, after having ’em leave from Los Angeles to stop off in New York before departing to the East. Does that make sense? Right, whatever, anyway. What? Nope, no need to waste budget here, we’re keepin’ ’em all. That’s right, everyone lives. Don’t worry, no one’ll notice. Doesn’t matter anyway ’cuz this is schlock cinema Baby! Ope, wait, for the faint of heart, yes, yes I guess we need something before we cut back to the girls. Fine. Have someone tell one of the girl’s concerned parents, “There’s absolutely no reason yet to fear the worst. Until now, we only know that the plane caught fire and we’ve lost radio contact.” That should keep ’em happy. Assholes.
Okay, we get ’em to the island . . . wha? Yes, very funny, Whores of Spider Island, yes I get it. Now . . . . No, no, don’t worry, I walk in sand all the time in pumps. A-hem. Anyway, considering we’re blundering idiots that don’t know our asses from a hole in the ground, let’s make sure each character states the bloody obvious at each turn. Yes, that’s what I said, have the guy who picks up the hammer say it’s a hammer. What’s it used for? Hell, I don’t know. Just have ’im say something like [deep voice] “an extended-handle hammer, they must be mining uranium.” Okay, now that that’s done and over with, make sure when there’s danger–since I can’t direct anymore than I can wipe my ass by myself–have the characters say, “We’re in danger” and make damn sure when someone screams to have someone say, “Someone screamed.” We sure as Hell don’t want to run the risk of being anything less than retarded, do we?
Acting, shmacting. No, no. That’s fine. No, let ’im say his line and then pause before remembering to act. That’s fine. Let’s just go with it. Okay, what’ now . . . ? I know! Have ’em fight. Yeah, a real good cat fight. We’ll call it Bitches of Spider Island. Yeah, I know, she didn’t twitch even though the other one knocked the Holy Shit outta her. Whatever. Good now, oh shit! What’s her named forgot to take off her panties before doing the shower scene again. Fuck it, it’s only the sixteenth take. Leave it.
Now, big spider scene. Hand What’s-His-Nuts a gun. No, we couldn’t afford a real one so here, I stole my son’s cap gun. Hey, whose the director here? Alright, now make sure we get a couple of hard edits in here, okay? Now, introduce the two other guys and have the Busengrabscher schedule appointments with the wenches, err, actresses, okay? Remember, he gets to see more vagina than a toilet seat. Tell Whatever-His-Name-Is to get his finger out of his nose when he’s flirting with her fer Christ’s sake! What do I want ’im to say? Um . . . how about:
Joe: You know, when you’ve lived on an island for a long time, you forget how to say nice things to girls.
Ann: Well, try at once.
Joe: Well, I’m really glad that your aeroplane crashed.
Good, now kill him off and have one of the girls–oh it doesn’t matter who, who gives a shit as long as they jiggle while saying it–something to the effect of all the good guys die of man-spider thingy bites. Okay, now time for the finale. What’s the bad guy’s weakness, let me see here . . . I got it. Oh, what’s those really big sparkler things called? You know those . . . things. Yeah, flare whatchamacallits. Now, “Bimbos with Torches” scene, Take One.
Alright, that’s a wrap. Good job not acting guys. Good jiggling and inane stupidity girls. See ya’s at the grindhouse. I’ll be the one with my hand . . .
-Egregious Gurnow
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