Welcome Brethren. Please stand for our opening prayer.
God–a.k.a. Edward D. Wood, Junior–for the joy of this occasion, we thank Thee. For the significance of this atrocious movie, we thank Thee. For this important moment in ever-putrid cinema, we thank Thee. For Your vicarious presence here and now and for Your presence at all times, we thank Thee. In Wood’s Holy Name. Amen.
Please be seated so that we may begin.
Today, Brothers, we are gathered today to honor the first great Apostle to Our B-Movie Father, Ed Wood, and all that he helped to make inadvertently humorous. It is at this time that I pause so that you may consider and give thanks for Doctor Uwe Boll’s contribution to the B-Movie canon, as it is called House of the Dead.
If you will, take heed, my Brothers, and notice that House of the Dead [sign of the celluloid reel] reverently observes each and every Commandment as it is set down by our Gracious Father Wood. If you will turn in your texts, Killer in Drag, page 84, paragraph two:
The First Commandment in the Church of Wood™ is “Thou Shalt Find an Abhorrent Story.” Boll does just this, my brothers, and to an aplomb, if I may be so graciously permitted to add, for who else but our Beloved Father would have the courage, the strength, the asinine intent to offer up a techno noir horror film as a premise, with a hard-boiled voice-over and a sprinkle of mad scientist no less? I will tell you. Boll my Brothers, Boll. For he and only he is the one person who stands between us and our Beloved Wood. Amen.
All Hail the Mighty Boll.
The Second Commandment in the Church of Wood™ is “Thou Shalt Decimate an Established, Respected Actor’s Career.” In the Holy Year of 1953, Ed Wood decreed it time, time my Brothers, to place His Divine, Alcoholic Finger upon the temple of the late, great (may he rest in peace) Bela Lugosi. As such, and if you’ll be as to kind as to remember, in so doing, He unrepentantly exploited the poor morphine addict’s shortcomings in hopes of career gain. He did so with such naiveté and innocence, such childlike ignorance if you will, that He wasn’t even aware of what He was doing at the time. With this I offer you Jürgen Prochnow, a formerly great actor, known for his work in such films as Wolfgang Petersen’s Das Boot and Anthony Minghella’s The English Patient, who–once upon a time–worked with the likes of David Lynch and John Carpenter. But, as misfortunate befell this once noble and worthy actor, Boll–under the direction and guidance of Wood Himself–elected to take Prochnow and terminate any chance, however remote, he might have had at redeeming himself upon the Silver Screen. So it is and so it will be, forever and ever. Amen.
All Hail the Mighty Boll.
The Third Commandment in the Church of Wood™ is “Thou Shalt Hire a Hapless Actor Thinking I’m Doing Him a Favor Without Being Aware I’m Making a Fool of Him.” As such, my Brothers, as it was with poor Tor Johnson–the sad, sad sap who couldn’t even make it through doorways without a bucket of lard and a crowbar–Boll decree it time for the withered soul that is Clint Howard. Boll blasphemously (and twice over at that) makes an unholy ass of the man. As such, it is said that Wood taketh away then taketh away some more while offering nothing in return. So it is with Boll, who will be forever known as the Man Who Killed Clint, both literally as well as figuratively. Amen.
All Hail the Mighty Boll.
The Fourth Commandment in the Church of Wood™ is “Thou Shalt Ignore the Obvious.” As posthumously prophesized in Reverend Burton’s Ed Wood, by way of the Divine John Christopher Depp the Second, “Nobody will ever notice that. Filmmaking is not about the tiny details. It’s about the BIG PICTURE!” Like God Himself, that is, the One with the Beard, Wood opened our eyes and showed us the light as it were, and–with His great and almighty omnipotence–proved that nothing is impossible given His strength. The impossible became possible with a wave of Lord Wood’s little pinky and, with this my Brothers, Boll issues us thirteen rounds from a 9-round pistol; a typed, centuries old ship’s log on pristine, Colgate-white paper; gratuitously visible springboards; resurrection in the form of the same character being killed time and time again; intermittent, yet continuous, rain; intermittent, yet continuous, wardrobes; magically disappearing and reappearing characters; dry water (for–I ask you–how else could a Captain, several yards from shore, make it to land, dry as a bone–lest he used a springboard?); a hyperactively rich kid who drops a grand without batting an eye whom, natch, also happens to be an expert swordsman and a crack shot while being a damn fine hand-to-hand combatant; budget-saving special effects and makeup as zombies are frequently seen necrotized down to, but not beyond, the neck . . . and, at times given Boll’s infinite wisdom, not only that; and a dehydrated, centuries-old corpse which “squishes” when stepped upon. Only Our Father, Who Aren’t in Heaven, Ed Wood or the next best thing, Boll. Amen.
All Hail the Mighty Boll.
The Fourth Commandment in the Church of Wood™ is “Thou Shalt Do Whatever Is In One’s Means to Make a Film Under the False Pretense of Believing One is Making Great Art.” Watch, my Brothers, as Boll becomes the last director in cinema history to use the highly, highly dangerous 360° turntable camera span. But, as proof of his divine nature, I offer to you that not one, not one my belove’d Brothers, person was injured during the making of this movie. Mind you, the audience suffers irreparably and luck has a lot to do with someone, everyone, not having their gourds knocked off in the process, but–again–Boll and only Boll saw to it that everyone involved might live another day so as to appear in his next feature. Also, I need not remind you all at this time, that it was our Lord Wood who sacrificed Himself by making bad films so you wouldn’t have to as Boll selflessly assumes the cinematic sins of the world. Amen.
All Hail the Mighty Boll.
And it is with this, my Brothers, that I unhesitatingly, proudly, yet humbly declare that Ed Wood worked, not alongside, but through the mortal coil that is our Beloved Uwe Boll, for who else but one touched would attempt to include a 12-minute shoot-out scene in a zombie film? Who else would insert, time and time again, Matrix-esque rip-off sequences, ad infinitum? Who else could create a horror film so unfrightening that it makes Disney’s Haunted Mansion look like William Friedkin’s The Exorcist? I’ll tell you: Only someone who has a vision, a vision of either guided inspiration or one with the objective of gunning for the title of Worst Talent in Hollywood. Thus, take liberally from the sacrificial wine my Brothers, for I fear that House of the Dead is not the last we will hear of Bastard Boll. Drink deep, and may the Wood be with you. Amen.
-Egregious Gurnow
- Interview with J.R. Bookwalter - January 22, 2015
- Interview with Andrew J. Rausch - January 22, 2015
- Interview with Rick Popko and Dan West - January 22, 2015
- Interview with Director Stevan Mena (Malevolence) - January 22, 2015
- Interview with Screenwriter Jeffery Reddick (Day of the Dead 2007) - January 22, 2015
- Teleconference interview with Mick Garris (Masters of Horror) - January 22, 2015
- A Day at the Morgue with Corri English (Unrest) - January 22, 2015
- Interview with Writer/Director Nacho Cerda (The Abandoned, Aftermath) - January 22, 2015
- Interview with Actress Thora Birch (Dark Corners, The Hole, American Beauty) - January 22, 2015
- Interview with Actor Jason Behr, Plus Skinwalkers Press Coverage - January 22, 2015
